Why Did I Have to Mess Everything Up?

Don't you hate not knowing where something is headed? I've been going out with this boy now for a few months, and everyone was telling me we where adorable and everything, and for a while I believed it. But now I'm just confused. I feel like I've led him on, told him I loved him when I know I don't really think I do. How can I love someone at thirteen? It's stupid. It's really, really stupid and I feel sick over it. I'm an idiot. I've turned into some cold hearted bitch, and I don't know when it happened. You know what I think? Sub-consciously, I only went out with him to please everybody else. Because I was sick of everybody saying "You two should go out". I gave in to the pressure of all the other kids and now look where I am.

I hate that I wasted my first boyfriend when I was too young to be a girlfriend. I hate that I've lied, and told everyone I was so happy, when all along I've doubted myself, doubted him. I'm not who he thinks I am. To him, I'm what everybody else sees: Laughs at everything you say, always smiling, would never let you down. But I know that's a lie now. I'm grumpy. I prefer my own company over others. Sometimes I just like to shout and yell and get mad, because for once I'm feeling something. I'm not on auto-pilot. I'm not wandering around in a little daze: I'm fighting. And I like fighting. I prefer it too standing on the side lines, letting other people get hurt, letting people take my blows.

God, I'm so fed up of feeling like this. That I can't do anything. That high school is high school, and my only goal in life is not to be the lion's next victim. I'm so sick of letting people decide how I live! How is this right? How is right that when I go into school, I change. And not for the better. I become narrow-minded, and ignorant, and foolish. I do everything in my power to let everyone think I'm doing OK. Well guess what. I'm not. And now I have no idea how to fix this. All of this. I think I've lost my best friend over a stupid fight. I think I've forgotten how to be me. And worst of all? I gave up all my beliefs, my personal rules, for a boy they told me would be good for me.

But I don't want him. I never did. It just took me a while to realize that. And, now, I'm going to have to break it to him that every "I love you" and "You'll always have me" was a stupid, immature little girl's stupid immature lies. I've moaned about the kids at my school. But it turns out I'm just as bad as them.

Cold-heared bitch. that's me, I guess.